Pessimism Strikes Deep in the Heartland

On bad days, this is how I think. On good days, I think, "Oooo, look! Shiny!"

Lies, Damn Lies, and... well... you know

It's been years - literally - since I aced the final in my introductory stats for social sciences (i.e., "class that satisfies the math requirement for students terrified of math") freshman year in college, thereby pulling my proverbial biscuits out of the proverbial fire that was my astonishingly bad grade going into the final. As a result, anything I say about statistics should be inherently suspect, which is why normally, I try not to say anything about statistics. Plus, I'm a lawyer. Most of my audience is probably snoozing anyway, so why add to the problem? Good thing I don't get paid by the reader...

Anyhoodly, maybe I'm just nutty, but Dave Burge is making sense.

Knitting Projects

So here's a knitting project that was fun and that I think turned out well. The picture doesn't really do it justice - the colors are beige, black, brown, and green. I based it on this pattern, using Bernat camouflage yarn in color #10482. It's fun and easy - all you need is to know how to knit and purl.

Never let 'em see you coming!

Separated at Birth?

BB and TR? Maybe it's just the glasses and mustache. But dude looks presidential, circa late 19th-early 20th century. Maybe he was just born too late. Or in the wrong country.

Dog Truths

Dog Truth #7: Dogs enjoy fast food. That is, if it's fast, it must be food.

Dog Truths

Dog Truth #3: The less digestible something is, the better it tastes.

Dog Truth #4: Topping the list of dog delicacies are rocks, string, poop, and insects.

Dog Truth #5: On the first truly cool evening in October, around 11:00 p.m., when you are finally nice and warm and comfortable in your bed and just about to drift off to sleep, the dog will make a horrible hacking noise and cough up a ball of spiders, usually on the side of the bed next to the family member who is closest to being asleep and who has the hardest time getting back to sleep.

Dog Truth #6: If you explain to the dog that spiders are arachnids, not insects, the dog will stare at you blankly for a moment before regurgitating a cricket.

More Joe

Jonah Goldberg gets in on the act.

I Am Joe

Just a friendly reminder, courtesy of Dave Burge - Joe Wurzelbacher isn't running for office. He has some ideas that might not work out, given his financial and licensing status. But people might want to give him a break, since he wasn't asking for anyone to vote for him.

Wait... Common Sense?

Wow. Someone is saying what I've been thinking. I need a time-out. A news blackout. Twenty-four hours of nothing but knitting, cooking, and Project Runway marathons. Okay, maybe some cleaning, too.

I turned the computer off for a WHOLE DAY this weekend. No blogging, no Facebook, no (gulp) e-mail, nothing. Just church, knitting, cooking, and NFL football. And a little bit of cleaning. And you know what? I didn't miss anything. The news wasn't that important. The world went on. Gas prices continued to fall. No one solved any financial crises.

Sometimes I think I'm going to take Kona as my role model. Does he have any clue what's going on around him? I doubt it. He knows when it's time to get up, when it's time to go out, when it's time to play, and when it's time to eat. When he gets into the car, he puts his front legs on the car seat and waits patiently for a boost, trusting completely that it will come along. Sometimes he has hardships - he gets squirted with the hose or loses his Nylabone under the couch or is forced to heel rather than tearing off after squirrels. But he shakes off his adversity and continues on, tail wagging. And he's about the happiest creature I think I've ever seen.

I'm not saying that we should all resort to eating mulch and bugs, although Kona seems to enjoy it. But it does seem like a great national time-out may be called for. For my part, I think I'm going to turn the computer off again this weekend. And maybe clean some.

P.S. Speaking of the other guy, I think he's finally lost it.

Weekend Update

Someone dear to me is very upset that I posted a link to the YouTube video showing Farrakhan alluding to Obama as the Messiah. Which shows once again that I should always explain WHY I'm posting something, not just throw it up there with a reference to it being creepy. (Side note: the YouTube guy who posted it seems a little creepy, too.) Especially when it's to someone as incendiary and controversial as Farrakhan.

Here's the deal: I find referring to anyone alive today in Messianic terms deeply disturbing. Obama may be the best thing to happen to this country since the SEC (that's the Southeastern Conference, not the Securities and Exchange Commission, you Philistines), but the Messiah, he ain't. In fact, given that he's a Christian, I hope he's as disturbed by those references as I am. He's not even John, Paul, George, and that other guy. He's a politician. He may have good ideas. He may be able to do great things for this country. He may be incredibly successful. He may even be the next George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, John F. Kennedy, or [insert your favorite politician's name here]. But he's not our savior. He's not even the Beatles. He's a guy who thinks he can do a better job at running the country than the other candidates out there. Can he? I have my doubts, but I'm willing to be proven wrong.

Hero worship is a quick way to disillusionment. No one is worth your worship other than the true Messiah. Don't make the mistake of thinking that anyone is somehow anything other than human, flawed, and fallen.

I'm so ready for this election to be over.

Creepy

Yeah, yeah, he can't control what others say about him... I still say this is really creepy.

UPDATE: see my next post.

P.S.

How does Obama figure that his plan to hike payroll taxes on anyone making over $250,000 won't hurt small businesses because so few of them fall into that category? Does he mean that small business owners reporting their corporate taxes on their personal returns (those owning LLCs, partnerships, or S-corps) typically don't report more than $250,000 in income annually, or that small corporations typically don't report more than $250,000 in income annually? The latter seems unlikely. I'm not a tax expert or anything like it, but his plan doesn't make sense, and his web site doesn't help. Even slightly.

The Great Debate 08, Pt. 2

I had two head-snap-back moments in the debates recently. The first came in the vice presidential debate, during which Joe "Zoom! Teeth Whitening System" Biden said that Obama wants to make it possible for bankruptcy judges to alter not just the interest rate on mortgages of those filing bankruptcy but also the principal. The second came last night, when John "My Friends" McCain said that he wants to enable the Treasury Secretary to buy up mortgages and bargain the principal down to the amount the house is actually worth, not the amount of the mortgage. (Side note: As Glenn Beck has mentioned, this may be a moot point - the bailout bill may already grant the Treasury Secretary this power, among others. In fact, I would like to propose a resolution that from henceforth, the Treasury Secretary shall be known to all and sundry as He Who Controls The Wind and The Seas.)

My friends... have we lost our collective marbles? I know times are tough. I know a lot of us are concerned about where we're going from here on out. I'm less worried about myself - God willing, I have a couple of productive decades left before I have to look into the possibility of taking a job as a Walmart greeter - than for my parents and their generation, for whom retirement may be nearly impossible at this point. In fact, I think any honest investment advisor, when asked what one should do with one's savings in today's environment, would shake his head and say, "Dunno. Have you looked at investing in rocks? Because I hear they're the next big thing."

And I know - boy, do I know - that a lot of us bought houses at the top of the market and are having trouble affording and/or selling them now. But here's the thing: once you start giving judges or the legislature the power to renegotiate private contracts, you are on your way to one of a few things, none of which are desirable and some of which are horrifying. Socialism is one - or more specifically, a system of government in which the power to govern is not granted to the state by the people but is granted by the state to the people. A terrible credit market is another - yes, worse than the one we have now, if that's possible. What bank in its right mind will want to lend money to you if you can turn around a few years later and say, "You know, I don't think I should pay you the whole $100,000. I think my house is only worth $90,000. So I'll pay you that." And if you can get a judge or a government agency to agree with you, the bank has to eat $10,000, on top of attorney's fees and all kinds of other expenses.

I humbly submit that if we go this route, mortgages for first-time homebuyers will be nearly impossible to obtain. After all, almost all first-timers have to purchase mortgage insurance - a policy against the buyer's default on the mortgage. The price on that will go through the roof and become almost unobtainable if the chances and consequences of default go up. Banks - who have to make money somehow - will raise interest rates, charge more fees... that is, do anything within the law to ensure that if you do run crying to the judge, they're still going to emerge from the deal ahead. And the government, whose intention was always to get more and more people into their own homes rather than leases, consequences be dammed, will see our population returning to apartments in droves.

Set aside for a moment whether that's actually a bad thing, and whether anyone who has a mortgage actually owns their home or not. (Anyone with a passing knowledge of real estate law will tell you that you only own part of the title to your home, but we can discuss Norman legal concepts another day.) The larger problem with all the talk about bailouts and afforability and decreasing equity and Wall Street greed is that it ignores a basic point - any contract you make is both a gamble and a tradeoff. When you sign a contract to buy a house or a car, you're gambling that you will like the house or car just as much in five years as you do today; that it will meet your needs; and that its value to you approaches the price you've agreed to pay. You're trading off the assurance inherent in agreeing on a price for the fact that if you waited a month or two more the price could go down (but it could go up). You make that gamble aware of the tradeoff and having satisfied yourself that it's worth it - that you're getting something at least approaching equal to what you're giving up.

If the government can then step in and tell you that, in fact, what you gave up is not equal to what you got - not even close - are you ever going to be willing to gamble? Will anyone be? Will our system be able to handle it?

Here's the thing: fair market value is a simple concept but a powerful one. It's just what a willing buyer will pay and a willing seller will accept in an open market. If I bought my house for $100,000 a year ago, and it's worth $50,000 now, I hate to admit it, but, absent fraud, my house was worth $100,000 a year ago and is worth $50,000 now. Because a year ago, the guy I bought my house from could have sold it to someone else for $100,000. So the only arguments you can make, given this, that we should be rescued from making the gamble we made are: (1) we were too stupid to recognize that we were getting ripped off, or (2) the concept of fair market value doesn't work. If we're willing to retain capitalism and the free market as the basis for the American economic system, I think we have to reject (2), so we're stuck with (1). (Rejecting our current economic system is a question for another time.)

So I ask you - are you happy to be told that you're stupid? Because honestly, that's what both parties are saying right now. You're too dumb to know what's good for you, so we have to step in and fix this problem for you. Never mind that the cure may kill you.

Americans, let's man up. We got the mortgages we have because we wanted extra money to rehab the house. Or we wanted to live in a certain area. Because we believed that we could afford the monthly payments, as long as the interest rate didn't change and we kept our jobs and kept getting raises and didn't need to buy a car or a washing machine or a furnace in the next five years. We made a gamble. Believe me, I've been there. I've made that calculation. Sometimes I came out on the right side. Sometimes I had to pay, and pay dearly, for making a bad one. But we all have to pay. So let's suck it up, admit that greed doesn't begin and end on Wall Street, and keep making our payments. As Polonius said, "Neither a borrower nor a lender be." (Never mind what happened to Polonius. Just don't hide behind the curtains when the homocidally insane son of the dead king is around.)

Quote of the Day

"You can't remain euphoric perpetually. I mean, your head will explode."

- Mark Davis

The Great Debate 08

Russ Parr on WIZF just finished an interview with Gwen Ifill, moderator of last night's vice presidential debate. I didn't get to hear the whole thing, so I'm looking forward to the podcast. I did get to hear Russ demand of Ms. Ifill, "Why didn't either of them address civil rights?" Apparently, Mr. Parr missed the discussion of gay marriage. Or is that not a civil right? Apparently, "civil rights" doesn't always mean "civil rights." I'm confused.

Ms. Ifill's performance seemed relatively innocuous to me, but then, I only made it through about a half-hour of the debate before collapsing. I was tired, and the glare off Biden's teeth was blinding me.

As usual, Dave Burge is on the case.

Obama's Teleprompter is Making Demands

You would, too.

Hurricane Ike

Four days without electricity was plenty, thanks. I'm back up and running, finally, after discovering that people get really testy when the traffic lights don't work and that a dog's life changes very little even when deprived of TV and internet for days on end. Tomorrow will be the first morning since Sunday that I will be able to make coffee. Sweet, sweet coffee...

More when I've had a chance to catch up.

Today in Catholicism

Today is the Triumph of the Holy Cross, a feast day for the Roman Catholic Church. More about this feast from Wikipedia and the Orthodox Research Institute.

Some appropriate musical selections:

Bach - Crucifixus

Vivaldi - Crucifixus

Lift High the Cross

Batten Down the Hatches

The hurricane is coming! And of course, we have tickets to the air show today.

Many apologies for the radio silence... I promise, it won't continue.

Sarah Palin Rumors

Believe it or not, I gave a lot of thought over the weekend to responding to my friend who's commented on his fears of and opposition to Sarah Palin. And I still intend to, and to explain why it's taken me so long, in case you care. But in the meantime, I've been beaten to posting a comprehensive list of rumors about Sarah Palin and responses thereto. In all fairness, the author is clearly conservative and probably a Palin supporter. But he doesn't appear to go out of his way to debunk rumors purely because they're negative.

Update: Factcheck.org gets in on the act.

Dog Truths

Dog Truth #1: The only thing that smells worse than the bathroom after you've bathed the dog is the dog before you've bathed him. This is why it's a good idea to bathe the dog when the bathroom needs to be cleaned.

Dog Truth #2: As soon as you've bathed the dog, the dog will urgently need to go outside, whereupon the dog will find the smelliest, most decomposed substance available and roll in it until thoroughly coated. If you refuse to let the dog outside, the dog will pee in the house. Probably in the location most likely to be seen by important guests.

Today's Deadly Sin

Envy, as in, "I envy any woman who has $300 to spend on these."

When I'm done salivating, I'm going to take my Old-Navy-Levi's-Sketchers-clad self to the grocery store.

The Palin Production, pt 5.3402

Apparently, Sarah Palin is seeking fashion advice. And who better to give it than The Manolo?

Random Thoughts: Project Runway

Ah, Project Runway! A refreshing palate cleanser in this political season. No need to think about immigration reform or nuclear standoffs or teenage pregnancy or race relations... just blue mohawks, bad pattern-making, and snarky comments on other designers' fabrics.

So here's my thought: what would I think if I saw Diane von Furstenberg coming down the stairway toward me? I know perfectly well - I would think, "Who IS that? She looks awfully familiar. Great dress!"

How embarrassing would that be? She comes up and shakes your hand, and you're an up-and-coming designer, and you're thinking, "Oh my God, I should know her, and I JUST CAN'T THINK WHO IT IS AND MY BRAIN DOESN'T WORK AND COME ON!!!! I SHOULD KNOW THIS ONE!!!" And to make matters worse, although I do know who Marlene Dietrich was, I've never seen "Foreign Affair." Of course, that wouldn't disqualify me. Blayne has clearly never seen anything other than reruns of "The Hills," and he's still on the show.

Bottom line: I've watched the show too much, because I picked both the winner and the loser just from the judges' questions. As far as the designs went, I liked Leanne's, Korto's, and Kenley's about equally, for different reasons. I thought Korto and Kenley did a good job of staying true to themselves while meeting the requirements of the brief. (Although note to Kenley: SHUT UP!) Kenley's looked like something I would wear. If it were about six sizes larger, of course. The print was gorgeous in that fabric. Same with Korto's, and the flash of yellow - sublime. The light caught that fabric beautifully on the runway - yet another reminder that with great fabric and a good cut, almost anything can look beautiful.

Leanne's dress: loved it, loved the little jacket, but I don't have any sense of who Leanne is. (I do credit her with the best line of the season so far: "Leanne likes Suede, but Suede needs to stop talking about himself in the third person.") She does a good job of designing to the brief, but I'm still wondering exactly what her aesthetic is. In a way, I think she won because she was a little on the bland side - it's easier to sell. If it were just a straight challenge, with no marketability concerned, I would have put my money on Korto.

Side note: I read someone's blog entry suggesting that Tim Gunn gave Leanne too much help by suggesting she make the jacket smaller. I don't think so. He's the mentor - he's supposed to make suggestions like that. It was still up to Leanne to execute it. And he didn't touch the dress, which was the main attraction.

Poor Stella. She was funny and genuine, and I'll miss her. Why do they always get rid of the adults? Joe's was awful, and he was my second choice to get dismissed, but he's done some good work, and Stella had just had too many second chances.

Random notes:

Suede, what does it mean that you're "mad about camouflage"? I've never seen the guy wearing camouflage. Does he even know why it was invented?

What was up with Kenley's purple epaulets? Ugh.

Producers, please do us all a favor and NEVER EVER show the designers in their underwear again. I mean, both Jerrell and Stella have good bodies, but I don't watch the show to see them parading around in their next-to-nothings. If I wanted to see that, I'd watch the Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency and Plastic Surgery Emporium.

Nina's back next week! Hurrah!

Random Thoughts: The Speech

WOW! Could you believe the energy and excitement! The sheer wonderfulness of the whole thing?! It was an hour of absolutely riveting television! Not to be forgotten! A breath of fresh air!

I am referring, of course, to last night's episode of Project Runway.

But first, the convention... for some reason, I was one of the few who enjoyed Huckabee's and Guiliani's speeches almost more than Palin's. It's clear that both men have lots of experience playing to crowds and making their points in a pithy and often funny manner. (I'm still chuckling over Huck's line about getting to college before he realized a shower wasn't supposed to hurt.) But they should be, right? Both men were serious presidential contenders, both have lots of experience giving speeches. Guiliani was a prosecutor, so he's used to making his point forcefully. Huckabee, if I'm not mistaken, is an ordained minister in addition to a politician. As I listened to both of them, I thought, you know, they're both doing a great job of selling McCain/Palin - a much better job than either of them did selling himself. Why is that?

Romney, on the other hand, was a flop for me. Maybe it was because I was driving while he was speaking, so I heard him on the radio and couldn't be dazzled by the magnificence of his hair. But although his speech was workmanlike and made some good points, particularly about the economy, I don't think it did what it was supposed to do - fire up the crowd.

I'm sorry I missed Michael Steele - I would have been interested to hear him.

Why did they stick the governor of Hawaii between Huckabee and Guiliani? I'm sure she's a capable person and all, but that's exactly what she came across as - capable. Competent. BORING. She sucked all the enthusiasm out of the crowd, which I'm sure was not the point. And it was hilarious to see her... husband? the guy sitting next to her, not sure who he was... shaking hands with Palin's dad. They looked vaguely similar (maybe just because they're both silver and balding), but he was so tan and Palin's dad was so pale, they could have been photo negatives of each other.

Anyway, Palin: the woman can give a speech, that's for sure. She's blessed with the rare female voice that doesn't sound shrill when trying to project. She ends her sentences by pitching her tone down, not up, which is also a skill a lot of women don't have. Now if she can just learn not to press her lips together like that all the time...

It was a basic speech. I think she just needed to get through it and have it be solid, calm, and informed. She will need to take on the traditional VP role of attack dog and go after the other side with passion and conviction. She seems to have done all those things, and well. She's still at the introduction stage, which is too bad - Obama, Biden, and McCain all have a jump on her there. She's been portrayed so much as a backwoods rube, it was strange to hear her speaking so knowledgeably on foreign policy. She came across as smart, tough, and ready for a fight - good thing, too, because Biden will be spoiling for one once the debates roll around. Now THAT should be interesting.

Random thoughts on Project Runway forthcoming...

The RNC, Day 3

September 4, 2008

Night 3 of the RNC 2008 completed. Ascended to 10,000 feet on Mt. Rhetoric without oxygen. Exhausted. Supplies of Dr. Pepper, tortilla chips, and salsa running dangerously low. Hope to venture out for supplies tomorrow. Dog sherpa refusing to wear saddlebags and demanding treats, naps, and walks.

Need more coffee.

Project Runway Countdown

Just three and a half more hours! Anyone want to take bets on who gets auf'd tonight? I'll take Suede and raise you a Blayne.

In case you can't wait, there's always Blogging Project Runway.

But then, there's the Palin speech tonight, too... decisions, decisions. I feel like Kona trying to decide which vent to lie on.

The Palin Production, pt. 3,203

Wow. Some people just don't want to give it up.

Folks, Trig is Sarah's baby. Need proof?

Could we lay off the stupid baby-mama-drama stories and get back to talking about the issues? Doubtful. People have been obsessed with scandal in politics since Grover Cleveland's time (and probably before), but it seems to have reached new heights this year - to the point that we're treating presidential candidates like the D-list knocked-up celebrities we're all obsessed with. [Grammar goddess interjects: "That should be '...with whom we're all obsessed.'"]

Oh, and P.S.: this is just ridiculous.

Adventures with Kona, pt. 1

Kona and I made a new friend on our morning walk at Sharon Woods today. He was sitting calmly next to the hike/bike trail, munching on leaves. At first, I thought he was injured, because Kona's presence - accompanied by frantic whimpering, sniffing, jumping, wagging, and quivering - didn't disturb him at all. Then I realized he just didn't care. He ambled away slowly and disappeared down his hole.

So what was he? We're not sure. Kona vacillates between thinking he was a snack, a toy, a friend, something to retrieve, or something to herd. (Kona's status as a mixed breed sometimes leads to serious confusion.) He was dark brown, furry, about the size of a guinea pig, with squinty eyes (nocturnal, maybe?), a long rat-like tail, and oversized rear feet that looked claw-like (but may have been webbed - I couldn't tell). Vote for your favorite in the poll!

I Do Not Think That Word Means What You Think It Means

Hypocrisy: –noun, plural -sies.
1. a pretense of having a virtuous character, moral or religious beliefs or principles, etc., that one does not really possess.
2. a pretense of having some desirable or publicly approved attitude.
3. an act or instance of hypocrisy.

So the proverbial stuff has hit the proverbial fan, and not for the last time, I'm sure. Sarah Palin's 17-year-old daughter is pregnant and getting married. Frankly, I'm not all that surprised. It's dark and cold in Alaska most of the year.

It's kind of a relief. In this day and age, you knew there was a skeleton or two in her closet. (By the way, have I mentioned that I envy her closet? Not as much as Anne Hathaway's, I grant you - GOD, that girl can dress - but nonetheless...) If this and the "Troopergate" scandal are the worst the press can come up with then, hell, she's doing fairly well. I fully expect to hear of some Billy-Carter-like toothless relative who shoots polar bears for fun or something.

It's got to be tough, though. Marriage is hard enough at 37, much less 17. I won't even get into parenthood. I only have a dog, so far.

But the thing that puzzles me is that the word "hypocrite" is being thrown around with respect to Sarah Palin and her daughter. Now, to me, a hypocrite is one who says one thing and does another. Let's say, for example, that Sarah Palin claimed to be an evangelical Christian, but on the weekends she flew with Paco the pool boy to Aruba, where she cavorted naked on the sand drinking mai tais and being fed peeled grapes. That, my friends, would be hypocrisy. Fun, but hypocritical. Or, on a more practical level, if she were saying she teaches her kids to wait until marriage but in fact tells them that it's okay to have sex or knows about them fooling around but deliberately looks the other way.

But having a 17-year-old pregnant daughter? I just don't think that's hypocritical. The argument, as I understand it, goes like this: Palin claims to be an evangelical Christian and to stand for family values, but her daughter is pregnant out of wedlock, so she can't possibly practice what she preaches. Say what? I mean, have you ever met a preacher's kid? Or a teenager, for that matter? People do what they're going to do. Kids disobey their parents. Even the best kids, the ones raised in the most loving and supportive homes, the ones taught the best values, the ones who succeed and are absolute joys to their parents, do completely asinine things. Do you remember high school? Like, at all? And don't even go there with college. That doesn't make their parents hypocrites. It makes the kids human.

Side note: if anything about Palin has a chance of proving hypocrisy, it's the Troopergate allegations. If true, they will prove damaging - she crusades as a reformer, all the while using her office to try to get her brother-in-law fired and firing the public safety director when she couldn't. I doubt whether they will prove true - the timing is all wrong, for one thing, and if the public safety director in fact refused to fire the trooper after he threatened his father-in-law's life and committed some of the other acts alleged, then there's no scandal there, as far as I can tell. But I digress.

I think "hypocrisy" is used by people these days to describe a sort of savage joy in someone else's problems, rather than the actual meaning of the word. It's a feeling of, "Ha! Caught you! You claim to be so high and mighty, but you, too, are human!" Which is fine - if that's how you feel, then say it. But don't throw around the word "hypocrite" unless you actually mean it.

Kids These Days

I have recently become a country music fan. Pop music, by definition, panders to the lowest common denominator, thereby attempting to reach the largest possible audience and becoming popular (hence, "pop"). There are exceptions, of course - Prince, for all that he's a short pompous ass, has written some fine music and is a great artist. But for every Prince, there seem to be about 10,000 Ashlee Simpsons or Hilary Duffs or, God help us all, Miley Cyruses. (Yeah, I know... she's a crossover. Whatever. She's pop.)

But country, being somewhat fringe (ha! get it? no, wait... that's Western) has somehow managed to remain musically interesting, often poignant, and even witty. Where else could you get Brad Paisley singing about how he's so much cooler online? Or Toby Keith informing us all that while he enjoys talking about you usually, occasionally, he wants to talk about me (i.e., him)? Or Gary Allan moving us all to tears with his smoke rings in the dark? I fear for country, though. It's becoming popular. It's being invaded by women singing about being tough girls and guys singing about how they're coming to my city to put the ying in my yin yang (do I have a yin yang? where is it? WHAT is it?) and Taylor Swift singing about... actually, I don't know what she sings about, because I change the channel every time I hear a hint of her voice.

Recently, however, I became more terrified than ever for the fate of country music. And not because Jessica Simpson is trying to go country, bless her vacuous little heart. No, the true sign of the apocalypse - Kid Rock is touring with Lynyrd Skynyrd, and all of my favorite country stations are playing their song, called "All Summer Long."

Now, I have nothing personal against Kid (I don't think he'd mind me calling him that, do you?), except that he looks greasy and either high or hung over most of the time, every other word out of his mouth is a profanity, he seems to be allergic to shirts, he's pale and kind of skinny, and his music sucks. But have you heard the song? I mean, really? Kid? You're riffing over one of the finest drunken rockfest songs ever written - "Sweet Home Alabama," one of the "must play" songs on my wedding reception playlist - and this is the best you could come up with?

"We didn't have no internet, but man I never will forget
The way the moon light shined upon her hair."

Internet? Shined?

And later:

"We were trying different things, we were smoking funny things
Making love out by the lake to our favorite song."

Granted, "things" does technically rhyme with "things." But the whole... uh... thing feels half-assed to me. Like they were sitting around one day wondering how to become the most popular country song of the summer, and Kid said, "I know! A wise man once said 'write what you know,' so let's write a bunch of random lyrics about a couple of hick kids in Michigan getting drunk and high and having sex to 'Sweet Home Alabama.' And ANOTHER wise man once said, 'play to your strengths,' so rather than try to write my own music - which, let's face it, has been a TRAIN WRECK in the past - let's just dub the whole damn thing over 'Sweet Home Alabama'! And get Skynyrd on the phone, because I need to tour this summer. Child support is a bitch." And they high-fived or fist-bumped each other and lit another doobie. [Ed. note: I have no idea if Kid has children. It just seemed to fit.]

I mean... Kid, did you try writing while drunk? Because I'm pretty sure you could have come up with something better if you were drunk.

And more important, to the collective members of Lynyrd Skynyrd... what the HELL were you thinking?!

What Dogs Do When You're Not Home

Last night, my husband and I went out to dinner with our parents for his birthday. We left Kona, as usual, in the kitchen. Kona's favorite activity this summer - other than chewing on my husband's hands - has been relaxing on top of the air conditioning vents while the A/C is running. Just chillin', so to speak. Which is funny as hell, especially when the A/C kicks in while he's on the vent, waking him and startling him out of his latest nap, but it makes whatever room he's in rather stuffy. He's well-insulated, is what I'm saying.

So last night, we unlock the door, and as usual, Kona's right there, trying to get some love the minute we're barely visible. I noticed immediately that he was being louder than normal. In fact, he was clanking. I couldn't figure it out. Had he somehow managed to knock down the baby gate that keeps him out of the living room and drag it with him to the door? Had he turned into a cyborg while we were gone?

Oh, no. Not even close.

As we managed to get the door open, we realized that he had an air vent register tangled in his collar. Clearly, he'd assumed his normal position - prone on top of the A/C vent - and when he jumped up when he heard us, the register went with him. He looked like a little dog rapper. "Yo, DAWG..." I felt like the parent of a teenager who comes home to discover a keg in the living room and what's-her-name, the cutsie-pie cheerleader daughter of the CEO of your company passed out on the couch while your son tries to explain how you're mistaken about all your assumptions. (All of which are based solely upon your time in high school, and given how much of a party animal you were, are probably all correct.)

I laughed so hard, I almost couldn't hold myself up. My husband had to take his collar off to disentangle the dog.

Oh well. At least he didn't get a tattoo.