Kids These Days

I have recently become a country music fan. Pop music, by definition, panders to the lowest common denominator, thereby attempting to reach the largest possible audience and becoming popular (hence, "pop"). There are exceptions, of course - Prince, for all that he's a short pompous ass, has written some fine music and is a great artist. But for every Prince, there seem to be about 10,000 Ashlee Simpsons or Hilary Duffs or, God help us all, Miley Cyruses. (Yeah, I know... she's a crossover. Whatever. She's pop.)

But country, being somewhat fringe (ha! get it? no, wait... that's Western) has somehow managed to remain musically interesting, often poignant, and even witty. Where else could you get Brad Paisley singing about how he's so much cooler online? Or Toby Keith informing us all that while he enjoys talking about you usually, occasionally, he wants to talk about me (i.e., him)? Or Gary Allan moving us all to tears with his smoke rings in the dark? I fear for country, though. It's becoming popular. It's being invaded by women singing about being tough girls and guys singing about how they're coming to my city to put the ying in my yin yang (do I have a yin yang? where is it? WHAT is it?) and Taylor Swift singing about... actually, I don't know what she sings about, because I change the channel every time I hear a hint of her voice.

Recently, however, I became more terrified than ever for the fate of country music. And not because Jessica Simpson is trying to go country, bless her vacuous little heart. No, the true sign of the apocalypse - Kid Rock is touring with Lynyrd Skynyrd, and all of my favorite country stations are playing their song, called "All Summer Long."

Now, I have nothing personal against Kid (I don't think he'd mind me calling him that, do you?), except that he looks greasy and either high or hung over most of the time, every other word out of his mouth is a profanity, he seems to be allergic to shirts, he's pale and kind of skinny, and his music sucks. But have you heard the song? I mean, really? Kid? You're riffing over one of the finest drunken rockfest songs ever written - "Sweet Home Alabama," one of the "must play" songs on my wedding reception playlist - and this is the best you could come up with?

"We didn't have no internet, but man I never will forget
The way the moon light shined upon her hair."

Internet? Shined?

And later:

"We were trying different things, we were smoking funny things
Making love out by the lake to our favorite song."

Granted, "things" does technically rhyme with "things." But the whole... uh... thing feels half-assed to me. Like they were sitting around one day wondering how to become the most popular country song of the summer, and Kid said, "I know! A wise man once said 'write what you know,' so let's write a bunch of random lyrics about a couple of hick kids in Michigan getting drunk and high and having sex to 'Sweet Home Alabama.' And ANOTHER wise man once said, 'play to your strengths,' so rather than try to write my own music - which, let's face it, has been a TRAIN WRECK in the past - let's just dub the whole damn thing over 'Sweet Home Alabama'! And get Skynyrd on the phone, because I need to tour this summer. Child support is a bitch." And they high-fived or fist-bumped each other and lit another doobie. [Ed. note: I have no idea if Kid has children. It just seemed to fit.]

I mean... Kid, did you try writing while drunk? Because I'm pretty sure you could have come up with something better if you were drunk.

And more important, to the collective members of Lynyrd Skynyrd... what the HELL were you thinking?!